The Note I Wish I Could Leave My Housemates

‘Dear Housemates,

Tonight is a night when I could have REALLY done with some comfort eating, but my chocolate orange – a GIFT from a friend – has been eaten by someone. The person responsible knew it was mine but apparently ‘it was an emergency’ and so had no major qualms about eating it. This person then informed me they’d eaten said orange but promised to replace it by the end of the day. Replacement orange is not apparent. Were this the first time this had happened, I’d let it slide.

It’s not the first time this has happened.


1) When I offer you some food, please feel free to have as much as you want. When I leave a portion of food out on the worktop, that is NOT me offering you food. It is not okay to eat it and then tell me you’ll replace it/pay me back, to come knock on my door and ask if you can have some, or to eat a ‘tiny portion’ because I’ll ‘never even notice’. I notice.

2) Things I put in the fridge that you are not allowed to eat/drink/finish include:
– Innocent smoothies
– Cheese
– Sausages
– Bacon
– Any meals I have prepared and left in the fridge to eat later
– Chocolate oranges

3) If I ever gently try to remind you eating my food without asking me first isn’t massively cool, grinning at me and saying ‘but let’s face it though, this is like, your only contribution to the house’ is not funny, it’s not fair, and I may respond with FIRE.

4) The above may be ignored in an emergency. ‘Emergency’ includes earthquake, plague, zombie attack or your imminent demise from starvation. ‘Emergency’ does NOT include feeling guilty that you had sex with your ex last night and not fancying walking the 100 or so metres to the shop to buy your own fucking chocolate orange.

Thank you.’


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