So You’re Single This Christmas?

Seems recently a lot of my friends have been getting into relationships. I can sympathise; it’s cold, it’s dark, you’re going to want a reason to stay in bed that’s slightly more understandable than ‘December makes me sad’. There’s nothing wrong with that at all.

Of course, for those of us who choose to be (‘choose to be’ here being a euphemism for ‘are clinically unable to muster human feelings towards another person for longer than six days and so must remain’) single, all these new couples can get a little…wearing. After all, there’s only so many first dates you can hear were ‘perfect’ before you begin to develop a Pavlovian-style twitch in response to the word. Add to that the fact that inviting people on nights out will often be met with ‘nah, I’m staying in with the boyf’ and you will slowly become convinced that you need to find someone – ANYONE – as well. That bloke you’ve been turning down for the last nine months because of his poor personal hygiene, facial tattoos and spare tyre will start to look like a prospect – well, he would do, had even HE not managed to find a boyfriend. The likelihood of dying alone and being eaten by your cats looms. You wonder if it’s all worth it any more. DON’T give up. There are a number of techniques you can employ to make your situation bearable, and maybe even enjoyable!

1) Develop alcoholism.

It gets dark a lot earlier in winter, which means there is much more time for drinking without getting judged by reasonable, coupley members of society. Your bulky winter coat can easily accomodate three, maybe four hipflasks, as well as two cans of Stella. These will all be kept cold by the ambient temperature, so no worries about having to drink warm beer, and the subsequent Bacardi-gan you will be permanently shrouded in will mean you won’t even feel the chill.

Your constant inebriation will help you to forget that you’re alone by convincing you that everyone is in fact your best mate and that it’s your God-given duty to prove it. Methods of proving it will include but will not be limited to hugging them, kissing them, sticking your tongue down their throat, punching them in the face and vomiting profusely down or up them. Doing all of these at once will be considered the greatest honour you could bestow upon a person.

2) Go on night-time walks.

You know, the outside world can be very beautiful at night when it’s quiet outside and all the couples are tucked up in bed, dreaming of shared Christmases and the person who loves them. Go out! Wander round! Ring doorbells and run away quickly! Pretend you’re the only person left alive and you’re all alone in the world. Shouldn’t be hard to imagine for you, the alone bit.

3) Read the Internet.

All this free time that you’re not spending on the partner you don’t have means you’ll be able to concentrate on the things that really matter, like finishing every single quiz on Facebook and learning all of Wikipedia. I mean, come on – haven’t you once been curious to find out exactly which Indonesian island out of all 17,508 of them is MOST LIKE YOU, or been at a dinner party only to realise you don’t remember exactly in how many episodes Ross and Rachel are in fact officially a couple? All the space in your brain usually wasted on stuff, like remembering your soulmate’s birthday, how to cook their favourite meal and the memories of how magical your first kiss was, can instead be put to much better use now!

4) Not sleep.

You know that, without anyone in your life to warm it up for you and wrap an arm round you when you get in, your bed is going to be cold, so avoid it altogether. The night-time walks and reading the Internet will help, but categorising your entire iTunes, developing a healthy 4AM coffee habit and reminding yourself that no-one loves you are all good ways to greet the dawn as it should be greeted – red-eyed and quivering from the caffeine.

5) Furiously masturbate.

Speaks for itself, really.

6) Contempuously sneer at couples.

With a bit of work it’s remarkably easy to convince yourself that all your loved-up friends are actually deeply unhappy. Start imagining undercurrents of hatred in everything they say to one another and convince yourself that you definitely saw one of them looking at other men. Whenever they express any dissatisfaction – with anything, regardless of whether it has anything to do with their significant other or not – tell yourself it’s a metaphor for their relationship and take two months off the mental countdown you’re giving them. Enlist your single friends, if you have any left, to agree with you. With all this suspicion about other people’s romantic lives you won’t have any time to think about your lack of one.

7) Believe you’re honestly much happier single.

Inform your friends on a regular basis that you’re actually grateful you’re not with anyone. Tell your parents you’re not really looking right now. Let the checkout girl in the supermarket know how single you are and how much you love it by only buying a ready-meal and a bottle of wine. Even if she doesn’t ask, tell her it’s all for you and how FINE you are with that. That raised eyebrow she gives you and her asking you why you’re buying the three packs of thirty-two paracetamol is her saying ‘I wish I was single too’. She respects you.

Just think about all the things you’d have to do if you were in a relationship. Buying Christmas presents is so difficult and going out for dinner is definitely a waste of money, money that you could be spending on booze instead, you’d have to shower every day AND probably get dressed as well, and all the sex would probably give you some kind of injury anyway.

Now, don’t you feel better about being single now?


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