If you haven’t heard, there was an article on the Daily Fail’s website today that provoked quite the response. Written by Melanie Phillips, it addressed the sheer immoral horror that is the possibility of children being exposed to gay people during school hours and therefore growing up thinking that it’s acceptable, it’s political correctness gone mad, you couldn’t make it up, won’t someone please think of the children etc etc.
The diatribe mainly consists of Phillips telling us that pupils studying maths will be forced to use census data to find out the percentage of homosexuals in Britain and geography students will be considering why the gays show a trend towards moving to cities. She then goes on to conjure up visions of a ‘gay agenda’ and ‘bigotry in reverse’ and how it ‘turns upstanding people into lawbreakers’ (and these are all verbatim quotations from her article), before telling us that ‘many gay people are uneasy or even appalled by this increasingly oppressive use of their cause’ because we’re actually pretty okay with our rights and we don’t really need any more, thanks.
This being the Fail, I did a bit of my own research just to check these claims, and found out that they weren’t *strictly* true. The government is providing schools with more freedom to choose how the curriculum is taught; amongst these freedoms is the possibility of including gay people as frames of reference for examples. Phillips is right that census data could be used to find the gay population of Britain, but this data could equally be used to examine Catholic population, or Indian population, or female population. No school is to be forced to adhere to a gay agenda; instead they’re being given the chance to show that homosexuals exist as normal people to kids who might otherwise only have their Daily Fail-reading parents to get their views from. It is, if anything, an attempt to prevent any more teenage lesbians committing suicide after being relentlessly bullied, or any more gay men being kicked to death by drunken homophobes, by teaching their would-be tormentors that homosexuals are people too.
Naturally my subsequent reaction to Phillips’ article was initially mouth-foaming rage, with a fair bit of ‘how is this woman allowed to write?!’ and ‘I can’t believe people like her still exist!!’ thrown about. Quite aside from her odious claims that gay rights threaten ‘the very concept of normal sexual behaviour’ and that the government is trying to brainwash children into become boa-wearing drag queens and Birkenstock-ed bulldykes (not true), she’s just not a very good writer, and it offends me to have to trawl through her badly-worded and rather simplistic prose in order to first complain with good conscience to the PCC and then to pen a suitably indignant response from my high horse.
However, halfway through the deliciously brutal opening paragraph, I suddenly realised that no-one – NO-ONE – I know would actually believe the tripe Phillips refers to as ‘journalism‘. In much the same way as Jan Moir or Richard Littlejohn, she’s a bit of a joke to the 90% of British society that hasn’t considered creationism as a valid alternative to evolutionary theory since the 1950s. Viciously attacking her holds all the challenge of getting the cap off the toothpaste in the morning.
So instead, I decided to think what if the homosexual agenda was real? What if we did want to convince all children in Britain that gay was the way through a combination of subliminal messaging in the commercial breaks of Hollyoaks and the school curriculum? Inspired by some very witty Twitterers, the synapses started firing, and I believe I may have revolutionised education for the 21st century. Introducing…
THE BAXFAIL CURRICULUM FOR ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE ACHIEVEMENT
(Financed by the Gay Agenda Inc.)
If we’re actually going to brainwash kids into becoming gay, we can’t let up. The odd module on censuses isn’t going to be enough to ensure even a 10% success rate – it is VITAL to go all out. Every aspect of school life has to be aimed at creating a generation of mincing queens and short-haired lezzers. Straight away, I’ve come up with a few sample questions…
‘Gabriel has been 26 for four years and Rupert has just celebrated his third 22nd birthday. They have been in a civil partnership for 1 ½ years, how old will they claim to be when they celebrate their silver anniversary?’
‘Samantha is organising this year’s national Dykes On Bikes rally. Each year, attendance has increased by 30%. In 2008 90 lesbians took part; how many fistfights will break out before the rally even starts this year?’
‘If X = 3Y and 2Y = 8Z, then who gave Benji crabs in Heaven last week?’
Now THAT’S a Maths GCSE we can teach. And as for Geography…
‘This term, boys, we’re going to start by looking at global rainfall averages in Gran Canaria, Mykonos, Los Angeles, and Amsterdam, and when it’s best to rent a 8 person villa there as a result. Girls, I want you to write me a report on the environmental benefits of not wearing make-up and becoming a vegan, so start your research now.’
And it doesn’t have to stop there – in fact, it won’t stop there! Music will do away with all those old composers like Mozart and Bach (who didn’t even straighten their hair – I would just DIE) and really bring it up to date. The coursework topic will be a choice between ‘Iconic Female Singers Of The Last Thirty Years’ or ‘Musicals: 1940 to 2010’. There will also be a practical exam in Karaoke, with a selection of songs from P!nk for the girls and a range of Disney Renaissance film soundtracks for the boys. Chemistry will teach how to distil your own poppers and exactly which fragrance works best with your natural musk, whilst physics will measure Newton’s Laws Of Motion at work on a sex sling. Biology will be ENTIRELY about which food groups to avoid, apart from a coursework-based study in third year on bears and their mating habits.
All the modern languages will be streamlined into one subject, as learning how to order a Cosmo then ask where the nearest cruising ground is shouldn’t take too long, even if it is in every language from Rio De Janeiro to Rajasthan. History will have all those ugly wars cut out of it and concentrate more on the cyclical nature of fashion trends in the late 20th century, and predicting the next time period that tangerine vest in vinyl is going to be ‘retro’.
PE will be completely gender-separate; the girls will play competitive women’s rugby and the boys will have the choice of a three hour workout concentrating on upper body definition or an hour of learning the newest dances off of YouTube. The IT tutor will show you how to turn the safe-search option off and which sites provide free previews on which days, as well as teach the proper dialect you’ll need to speak in order to understand and respond to your Gaydar messages. CDT will be EXCLUSIVELY for the girls and will consist of fieldtrips to B&Q, Wickes and HomeBase. For the female Sex-Ed lessons they shall be placed in the main hall and shown series two of ‘Sugar Rush’. The boys shall be shown ‘Teeth’.
If Phillips really believes the gay agenda is going to stop at just making it into the curriculum, then she’s not seen anything yet. Now, does anyone have the number of AQA? I want to ask them about creating a few new A levels…